My husband and I have known it from the beginning. An Irish Catholic Yankee man and his half-bred part European immigrant/part Scarlett O’Hara Southern wife. Holding our tempers is just not in our blood. We are too passionate, honest, independent, and that ugly word- controlling- to let anyone tell us what to do. There may be rings on our fingers, but neither accepts any form of ball and chain.
What 3 years of newlywed bliss has taught me is that you cannot change someone else. You can put signs up in the bathroom, nag, berate, encourage, behavior you are looking for but the truth is that people, especially intrinsic Alphas, have this need to do things their way. I am an Alpha. I LOVE getting in my car and blasting the song, “I’ll do it MY WAY,” all the way to the feed store. It empowers me. I get that gitty warm fuzzy feeling inside that makes me feel like God put me on this planet for a reason. I have no doubt, my husband feels the same way.
But this is not helpful in marriage because when the other person feels Holy Entitlement too, well, someone is dancing with the devil and doesn’t know it. So for those couples out there like us, who have found that getting along takes a lot of work, here is some cheap (free!) advice that we have found to be actually helpful.
My husband and I each get 10 minutes a day to bitch bitch bitch about everything that bothers us- including about the other person. The rules are that the other person realizes that their partner is letting off steam and there is no need to take any immediate action to ‘fix things.’ The reason for this is because at some point my husband and I, Mars and Venus, realized that we just need some time and space to communicate a verbal diarrhea of discombobulated nonsense to the other person that would in any other context leave the receiver hurt and angry. But if you know this is “their 10 minutes” to let off steam and can pull back and not take it personally, you may find yourselves, like we have, screaming with laughter as the other person says the most ridiculous but poignant exclamation, “This is my 10 minutes!”
No marriage is perfect, but on the journey to towards perfection, it’s nice sometimes to find something that works.
candyhillfarm 